Reason #6: The Comedy that is Internet Dating

Okay, so I know it's been a while since I've posted, but for this one, boy, do I have a doozy for you. I am not proud of it, but I recently made the rash decision to join a matchmaking site and enter the world of internet dating. I joined one of those that they advertise on tv and filled out the lengthy questionnaire, and spent not a ton of time thinking about what I would make my page say about me. And I can tell you that I did not deliberate over my answers on my questionnaire, either, so this was all sort of a "let's throw it against a wall and see what sticks" kind of thought process. I signed up for one month of service and let the computer do the work for me.

And while it might not be the wisest $60 I've ever spent, it very well might turn out to be the most entertaining.

Bob* is from a small town in rural Tennessee. He really wants a nice, Christian girl. He posts two pictures of himself. The first one is of him with another girl. Now, if you are joining a matchmaking site in hopes of finding The One, do you really want to start your first impression by posing with a person of the opposite sex? (Seriously, I could write a manual on What Not to Do on Your Page.) But it's the second photo that gets me. First off, it looks like the picture was taken in a stairwell with the lighting behind the subject, so one can barely tell that this is supposed to be a photo of a man. No distinguishing features are visible whatsoever. And then the caption reads "this is a picture of me taken 12 years ago." Huh? Why are you posting a picture of you (if it's really a picture of you) from 12 years ago, especially when you're supposed to be around 30 years old, meaning this picture was taken maybe in your senior year of high school? Uh, next, please!

Then we get Tom* who is especially proud to tell you that his occupation is that of "owning my own computer business." When asked what is the one thing that Tom wishes more people would notice about him, Tom says (and this is a quote, I promise; I can't make this stuff up): "How I excel at everything I do. But I guess people notice eventually, so it's not all bad." I'm sure that Tom and his ego are going to make a beautiful couple. Next!

John* is a youth minister, and it's very important that he find someone who is as strong spiritually as he is. I'm guessing if he's making such statements, he would find my criticism of his page unholy. So we move on.

Patrick* is also a youth minister, but describes his occupation as "minister/businessman." One of the 5 things he can't live without: his Mercedes 500 SL convertible. I look back to see where he's from, and he's not from some big metropolis, but some very small town. Exactly what type of business is Patrick running part time from his youth minister duties that allow him such an extravagant car? And this is what kills me. The rest of Patrick's page leads you to believe that he's really looking for someone who will make a good minister's wife. (Aside: I will never make a good minister's wife because I can't keep my mouth shut. I summarily pass by these guys when I come across them on the site.) But if he wants a good, deep Christian girl, isn't she going to be put off by him bragging about his car? And if she isn't put off about the bragging, does that make her shallow and therefore unfit for being married to a minister? I think Patrick shot himself in the foot coming and going on that one.

These are just a few of the winners with whom this website thinks I might find true love. So I've decided that either my personality profile says that I am the world's biggest dork, or this website is punking me. Either way, I am choosing to revel in the sheer comedy of some of these matches, and am choosing to see this as yet another reason it's good to be single, because where else can you come up with such comedy?

Do you have some similar experiences with internet dating? If so, send me what you have and we'll put together a fantastic list of "Aren't You Glad You Aren't Married to THAT Guy?"

*whose name is changed to protect the innocent guy who didn't realize his matchmaking page was going to make someone's blog

I am NOT a Deviant!

So my cute young friend Stacey made the statement last night that she is tired of people looking at her like she's weird for being single, and she followed it with this declaration: "Single is not deviant behavior!" First off, Stacey gets mad props for using a word like "deviant," because that's not a word that I throw around in normal everyday language. But even more so, she's touched on a point that is worth repeating (sometimes over and over again): Just because I'm single doesn't mean there's something fundamentally wrong with me.

Now, honestly, girls, how many times have you secretly asked yourself this question? Let's be even more honest: how many times have we not-so-secretly asked this question to one of our best friends? Some boy we liked that didn't return the favor? Perfect strangers on the street? (I'm sure this last group would have an idea or two. . . .) When things go wrong, or they just don't work out, or we start feeling really lonely, we have a tendency to turn inward and see if we can identify the one flaw we have that repels men faster than a Lean Cuisine frozen dinner.

But hey, guess what? Chances are that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you. (Unless you look and act like Helena Bonham Carter in the Harry Potter movies; THEN we might need to have a little chat, just you and me.) That last guy that you were with/you liked--there are a myriad of reasons it didn't work out, and sure, you might bear the blame for some of that, but so does he. At the end of the day, we are all fallen creatures, but we are loved by a God Who made us the way we are--quirks and all--and He thinks we're pretty special.

So before you start spending hours upon hours examining your face in the bathroom mirror and start planning your plastic surgery, or before you spend countless hours asking your best friend, "Am I too demanding? Am I? AM I????" think about this fact: we women tend to turn inward to figure out what we did wrong to make a relationship go south. And sometimes we are able to identify a solitary mistake, but that's pretty rare. In the meantime, that boy over there is hanging out with his friends, doing stuff that he wants to do, and is moving on with his life without wallowing in a load of self pity and regret. So why don't we take some lessons from him and do the same?

And when you stop a minute and start looking around, you discover that contrary to the way you feel, you are NOT the last single woman left on the planet. In fact, there are some pretty incredible women who remain unattached, and they certainly aren't deviant. So what makes you one?

Reason #5: My Time is My Own

So I have this college roommate who is awesome. I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize how awesome she is and how awesome her life is, which I think makes her more awesome. After we graduated college, she wound her way to Washington, D.C. After working for a Representative here and a Senator there, she found herself working in the State Department a few years ago as some sort of White House liasion and rubbing elbows with Condolezza Rice (who majorly impresses me, by the way, with her classical piano and her desire to be the NFL Commissioner one day). Her job took her to all sorts of interesting places and working on things that matter, such as peace talks between warring factions and whatnot. It was not unusual for me to talk to her and hear that she had just come back from the Middle East, or from Spain, or from some other exotic location.

And when a new political party took office in January 2009, she found herself at a crossroads: what would she do next with her life? She had dozens of options that I'm sure I will get wrong, but one option was to work with her state's legislature as sort of an HR director for the staff of all legislators to working for a private investment firm figuring out how to spend their money for good causes and which ones to invest in. But she did something I would never be brave enough to do: she struck out on an around-the-world tour. No kidding. She took several months and just traveled to all the interesting places she'd been where she'd made friends, and had a glorious time doing it. I remember talking to her while she was trying to make the decision on whether to go, and she said, "You know, I'm single, I don't have children, I'm not tied down at the moment; if I don't do it now, I will never do it."

And I loved that attitude. And how true it would be if she were attached/married to someone who had a job and a mortgage and responsibilities to tend to at home. When else will she have such a chance? And she took it. And the last time I heard from her, she was living in Rwanda working on reconciliation projects between those whose families had been victims of the genocide that took place a decade ago and those who had committed the genocide. (How's that for work that matters?)

So Andie Mac (as I so affectionately call her) is my Reason #5 as to why it's good to be single. You want to take a vacation to some place fun and you've got the money and vacation time to do it? Go for it! You don't have to convince someone who is allergic to the sun that a Caribbean cruise would be a good time. And in the meantime, you aren't getting dragged to a NASCAR race for a long weekend when you'd rather have your feet propped up reading the latest issue of People Magazine or that novel you've been eyeing for months. My "me" time is truly "me" time and I get to dictate what I do with it. So start feeling bad for all those girls who hate sports and yet find themselves attending the weekend baseball game--or worse yet, going to their man's softball games where the only thing higher than the score is the number of player injuries. And you can giggle to yourself as you curl up on the couch and watch a marathon of America's Next Top Model while your friend is traipsing along behind her boyfriend in the woods while he hunts and she attempts to bond with him. Besides, I don't think I'd look good in camouflage, anyway!

Another (Single Girl's) Perspective

So my college roommate, Catherine, has a great blog. Reading her blog is how I start my day (which means I usually start my day snorting or spitting my morning water onto my computer screen because I'm laughing so hard). She has addressed a rather touchy situation that comes with being single on Valentine's Day regarding the Conversation Hearts, so I thought I'd share with the rest of you:



http://www.thecatherinechronicles.com/

Reason #4: Justin Hartley

Okay, girls, so we're facing what some refer to as Valentine's Day, whereas others call it Singles Awareness Day. Whatever you call it, if you're single, chances are you're feeling a little bit left out as you watch one co-worker get roses; another co-worker spend hours on the computer trying to figure out which roses to order for his girlfriend; or a third co-worker get serenaded by a barbershop quartet (true story--that happened at my office once or twice). And while you might sort of enjoy watching the third co-worker squirm a little at the abundance of attention garnered from said quartet, you still might feel slightly, um, shall we say green? with envy.

Which leads to Reason #4 why it's good to be single. Ladies, may I present to you the Green Arrow. Isn't he so pretty? See, if someone's going to be shooting arrows at me around Valentine's Day, I'd say, Forget Cupid! I'll take an arrow from the Green Arrow, please. And here's a bonus tip, girls: Watch Smallville. You'll be so glad you did, AND you'll find even more reasons why it's good to be single.

Reason #3: Snoring

I am one of the lightest sleepers in the known universe. I'm not really sure why, but it's just a fact. Because of this fact, I have problems with noises that disturb my sleep--particularly snoring. Consider:

One time when I was in college, my friend, Robin, and I volunteered to lead a DiscipleNow over a weekend. Unfortunately, Robin was struggling with a sinus infection, but she was such a trooper and decided to go on the trip anyway. She and I were staying with these teenage girls in this really nice house, and the matriarch of the house graciously gave Robin and me a bedroom all to ourselves so we might be able to get a little sleep at night. (Because if you've ever done a DNow over a weekend with teenage girls, you know that sleep is a precious commodity.)

The first night, we were exhausted; particularly Robin, because she was really having some problems breathing due to the aforementioned sinus infection. Even our host mother's homemade soup, which should have been classified as some sort of chemical weapon because it was so dang hot, apparently had not even made a dent in opening up Robin's sinuses, even though I'm pretty sure it could have peeled paint off a wall. But I digress. So that night, Robin took some nighttime sinus medication and almost immediately drifted off to sleep.

Well, Light Sleeper here couldn't fall asleep so fast. The girls were still up giggling down the hall, which I expected. They finally started to quiet down, and I thought, Finally, I'm going to get some sleep here. And just as I started to drift off, I begin to hear the subtle snoring of my bedmate. Our conversations for the next 30 or so minutes went something like this:

Me: (whispering) Robin?
Robin: (snore)
Me: (a little louder this time) Robin?
Robin: (snorting awake) Huh? Whass goin' on?
Me: You're snoring.
Robin: I'm so sorry. (rolls over)

This conversation repeated itself on 2-3 occasions, and then we had this one:

Me: (no longer whispering) Robin!
Robin: (somewhat agitated) What!
Me: You're snoring again!
Robin: Well, fall asleep before me!
Me: I'm trying!!!

At this point, we both started giggling at the ridiculousness of this conversation, and I am so grateful that Robin was such a good sport because with her sinus infection, I'm sure she really didn't appreciate me continuing to wake her up. It's a wonder of all wonders that we remained friends after that night. (And I should note that Robin and I have spent the night together many times, and this was the only time this happened--she's not a habitual snorer.)

But this story just goes to illustrate my point: I cannot tolerate snorers. I don't mean to be rude about it; it's just that this girl is a Grumpy Gus if she doesn't get a full night's sleep (as many of you can attest to), and this, coupled with my tendency to be a light sleeper makes for a dangerous combination whenever I've had to share a bed/room with someone who has breathing issues at night.

I am deeply concerned about this when it comes to thinking about marriage. I have this utter fear that I am going to meet the most wonderful man, fall in love, get married, and discover that he needs to go on some sort of CPAP machine to deal with his uncontrollable snoring. I wonder if I can slip some sort of contract exclusion like this into my marriage vows: "I promise to love, honor, cherish . . . in sickness and in health . . . 'til death do us part--unless it is discovered that you snore, at which time this marriage contract is null and void." How do you think that would go over?

So the next time that you wake up from a great night of undisturbed sleep, think about Reason #3 why it's good to be single.

Reason #2: The Bathroom

Now, I've never been married, but I grew up with an older brother. I feel that this makes me somewhat of an expert on co-habitating with a member of the opposite sex, particularly when I spent 18 years dealing with him. Those of you who grew up with opposite-gender-siblings know what I'm talking about. At any rate, I found some solace when I went off to college and moved into a dorm room full of girls only, and one of the pleasant surprises I noted was the difference in the bathroom. For instance, it was such a nice surprise when I learned that:

1) the bathroom sink does not have to be coated in little hairs discarded from an electric razor.

2) the toilet seat does have the capability of remaining in the "down" position.

3) one can use hand towels and not find mysterious stains on them that you'd rather not know from whence they came.

4) one can go into the bathroom and find the towels in place on the towel rack rather than a wadded up mess of towels left on the bathroom floor to mildew.

5) the bathroom doesn't always have to smell like gym socks.

I could go on and on. It was nice not to find that my shampoo bottle had suddenly gone empty without explanation, particularly when the only other person to use my bathroom shaved his head (which explains #1 above). It was wonderful not to have to fight over who got to use the bathroom next (and girls, don't EVER let a guy tell you that girls hog the bathroom more than they do). And I never came into my bathroom and found my toothbrush mysteriously wet even though I hadn't used it since the day before. (Okay, that came from someone else, not me, but still--eww!)

So the next time you are taking a nice long bubble bath in your own bathtub at your leisure, think about Reason #2 why it's good to be single.